17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
My favourite one? Oh, that’s easy!
The man goes to the doctor and tells him, “Well, I have some bad news.”
And the man asks, “What is it, doc? Is it cancer?”
The doctor shakes his head, “You’re infertile.”
The man is driving back sometime later, and the wife calls, “Honey, I have great news!”
The man asks, “What is it!”
She happily tells him, “I’m pregnant! God has finally given us a miracle!”
The man happily says, “I have bad and good news!”
She asks, “What’s the bad news?”
He says, “I’m infertile!”
She calmly asks, “What’s the good news?”
He happily exclaims, “We’re getting a divorce!”
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
- I once went out with this girl who wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and crashed it.
- I stood in front of the milkman completely naked this morning. I don’t know what disturbed him more, the fact I was naked, or I knew where he lived.
- ‘Madeline was such a sweet little girl’. It’s not sweet enough to be taken to a restaurant, though.
- Madeline Mcca can’t find her.
- How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling.
- After getting the wife some flowers, overjoyed, she sat atop our piano and spread her legs wide open. Puzzled
- I asked why. She said it was for the flowers I got her. I don’t have a vase.
- I asked my North Korean pen pal how life is there. He said he can’t complain.
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don’t. They arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black
Also
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Edit: Over 1K YAY bonus…(more views more good shit)
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
My Favorite 10 Best Jokes
1. I just got my doctor’s test results, and I’m upset about it. Turns out I’m not going to be a doctor.
2. My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I didn’t even care.
3. Today, I asked my phone, Siri, why am I still single?” it activated the front camera.
4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
5. I remember all the people I lost as I got older. My budding career as a tour guide may be a better choice.
6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless prepared for the reaper cushions.
9. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I drive everywhere.
10. Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
My favourite one?
Oh, that’s easy! There’s this humorous joke about a man who visits the doctor, and upon hearing the doctor’s grave expression, he anxiously inquires if he has cancer. To his surprise, the doctor shakes his head and delivers unexpected news – the man is infertile. Sometime later, while the man is driving home, his wife calls with great excitement to share some fantastic information: she’s pregnant! She joyfully attributes it to a miraculous gift from God. Now faced with a dilemma, the man decides to share the bad and good news with his wife. She calmly asks for the bad news, to which he confesses his infertility. However, when he enthusiastically reveals the good news – their impending divorce – it adds a twist of humour to the tale.
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
Is it wrong that I have a very dark sense of humour? What’s your best dark joke?
No, it’s a great thing. As they say, what does dark humour have in common with a child cancer patient? It never gets old.
I have a couple of favourite dark jokes. I’ll see if I can remember them correctly:
- What’s the difference between a bus and a dead girl? I don’t ride the bus.
- Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
- Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
- How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes start to pile up.
- What did Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
- Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What do you think of my stolen jokes? Usually, when I tell people, they say, “Please untie me. I promise I won’t go to the police.”
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
Is it wrong that I have a very dark sense of humour? What’s your best dark joke?
Oh boy…okay, as the only one I can think of right now, I will share one my boyfriend told me a while back.
I’m going on for obvious reasons.
Ready?
Hold onto your butts. It’s pretty offensive (if you don’t have a dark humour)
What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby was nailed to ten trees.
There you go. Enjoy.
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
Is it wrong that I have a very dark sense of humour? What’s your best dark joke?
No. It is a telltale sign of high intelligence.
Q: What is red and cries and spins around and around?
A: A baby in a microwave oven.
Q: What did an ISIS guy’s girlfriend say after losing her virginity?
A: Baaa….
Q: What is long and slender and brings kids?
A: A train to Auschwitz.
Q: What is the difference of a bad day in our sports between me and my dad? [My dad plays golf.]
A: When it is a bad day for him, it goes <SPLAT> Dammit! But when it is a bad day for me, it goes Dammit! <SPLAT>
Q: Unvaccinated Children are less likely to have autism. Do you know why?
A: You have to be alive to have autism.
Q: What is familiar with dark humour and unvaccinated kids?
A: Neither do ever grow old.
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
What’s your favourite dark joke?
😂😂😂
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, “I will take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I’ll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home.”
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and buys it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator said he’d be glad to help her, then added, “It’s 99 cents a word.” After paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her this word: comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head. ‘How will she ever know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
She explained, “This is a big word for my sister. So she’ll read it very slowly … sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.”
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
I can’t remember where I first heard it, but my “go-to” joke remains this one:
One day, a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment, and rents a Cabin in the wilderness. For six months, he lived in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.
He opens the door to see this massive lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually, the big man speaks:
“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. I’m having a party on Saturday, and I’m curious if you’d like to come.
The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “That would be great. It is about time I got out, and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”
“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.
But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”
“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with some hard liquor.”
“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”
But as he turns to go, he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely, there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”
“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I get on pretty well with most people, so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, I am sure I can care for myself.”
“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”
But once again, he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”
The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that happens.”
“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that, he turns and starts to stroll away.
“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”
The lumberjack pauses to think and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it matters much. I am just going to be you and me.”
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
An American couple drives through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man enters the station to pay, his wife calls, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, produces and asks, “By the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man returns to his car, and the wife asks, “Where are we?”
“He doesn’t speak English,” replies the husband.
I heard this joke years ago, and it’s about the only trick I can tell from start to finish. Being from Saskatchewan makes it that much funnier to me and that much easier for me to remember. I still laugh at that stupid joke.
What’s your favourite dark joke?
- A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
- I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.” She said, “But I don’t wear glasses.” While polishing my lenses, I replied, “Yeah, but I do.”
Could someone post a massive number of dark-humoured jokes here?
- How do you circumcise a Collingwood supporter? Kick his sister in the jaw
- Why do Collingwood supporters stink? So blind people can hate them, too
- You have many Collingwood supporters standing on their tiptoes in a concrete pool. What’s your problem? Not enough concrete
- Why are pills white? Because they work
- Why wasn’t Jesus born in New Zealand? He couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin
- What do you call a Kiwi with a hundred lovers? A shepherd
- How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it
- What does GAY stand for? Got Aids Yet?
- What do you call a gay drive-by? Fruit roll up
- What do you call an evil Muslim? Mu ha ha, med
- What do you call a Muslim alcoholic? Allah beer
- What do you call a drunk Muslim? Mo hammered
- Why don’t blacks go on cruises? They’re not falling for that again
- Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop
- Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s the police, ma’am. Your son’s been killed by a drunk driver. He’s dead!
What is dark humour?
Dark Humor Picture—Children jumping to their deaths while playing Hop Scotch on a rooftop.
Dark Humor word picture—Imagine a man raising his umbrella when he sees persons jumping out of the window of a burning skyscraper.
Watch the Korean Drama Snowdrop and the internationally acclaimed Korean film Decision to Leave for great dark humour.
Who is the best dark comedy comedian?
Anyone who opens a set with “The funny thing about child porn…” deserves this list.
Regarding the masters of dark comedy, Doug Stanhope speaks to a niche audience of dark, cynical souls who believe nothing is off-limits when it comes to comedy.
War, 9/11, suicide, ethnic cleansing, murder, racism – nothing is so tragic for Stanhope that its horror can’t be crafted into a beautiful comedy art.
What are some of the best dark comedies?
I would recommend these movies:
- Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
- Ladykillers (of course, the 1955’s original, not the rather silly 2004’s remake)
- The trouble with Harry (1955)
- Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)
- Weekend at Bernie’s (1989)
- Delicatessen (1991)
- Bad Santa (2003)
How is black comedy different from dark comedy?
Dark comedy uses various targets that aren’t usually joked about. Depression, poverty, war, or other typically serious topics. Black comedy is explicitly aimed at death, the darkest of all issues.
I’ll paraphrase a line from Richard Pryor to illustrate black comedy. “Life is the ultimate joke. It doesn’t matter how famous you are, how much money you have, how many friends you have. You ain’t gettin’ out alive.”
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, “I will take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I’ll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home.”
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and buys it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator said he’d be glad to help her, then added, “It’s 99 cents a word.” After paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her this word: comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head. ‘How will she ever know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
She explained, “This is a big word for my sister. So she’ll read it very slowly … sounding it out as com-for-da-bull.”
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
Four older men were playing golf. Three took turns boasting about their sons, knowing the fourth son was gay and having disparaging thoughts about him. The first chap says: My son has done exceptionally well this year. He has made such a pile that he was even able to make a friend a gift of a brand new house!
Wow, say the others.
The next father boasts, Well, my boy this year did so well financially that he could give a friend a brand new Lamborghini!
Wow, say the others.
The third chap says: As for my son, he made so much extra money this year he could take a friend on a round-the-world cruise — they are still away!
Wow, say the others…respect!
The fourth father finally has a turn to speak. The other fathers stifle their laughter.
Well, as you know, my son is gay. And this year, he has done so incredibly well….one lover gave him a brand new house; another lover gave him a brand new Lamborghini; and the third lover has taken him away on a round-the-world cruise…. he’s still on it.
Silence.
What is the funniest joke you’ve been told that you still think about today?
A polar bear was driving along the road when his car broke down. He called the recovery service, who arrived within a short time. The mechanic said he would need about an hour to fix it. The polar bear walked to the nearest supermarket and bought himself an ice cream. He ate it as he returned to the car but smeared some around his mouth.
As he returned to the car, the mechanic looked up at the polar bear and said, ‘It looks like you’ve blown a seal’. The polar bear looks embarrassed, wipes his mouth, and says, ‘No, I haven’t; it’s just ice cream’!
What are some dark jokes in the Army?
What is the funniest military-based joke you know?
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I’m cool. It’s only 2030.
What is the funniest military-based joke you know?
Reminds me of that old joke in Terry Pratchett when Vetinari failed his stealth and concealment class because his instructor didn’t mark his attendance.
What is the funniest military-based joke you know?
A young lieutenant was passed by a private, who failed to salute. The lieutenant called him back and said sternly:
“You did not salute me. For this, you will immediately salute two hundred times.”
At this moment, the General came up.
“What’s all this?” he exclaimed, seeing the poor private about to begin.
The lieutenant explained.
“This ignoramus failed to salute me, and as a punishment, I am making him salute two hundred times.”
“Quite right,” replied the General, smiling. “But do not forget, sir, that you are to salute in return upon each occasion.”
What is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, etc. remark you have heard?
When I brought my Asian wife home to meet my family for the first time in the Mississippi Delta, within two minutes of arriving at the house, my mother pulled me off to one side and said, “I wish you’d married a black girl instead!” The thing is, she was trying to be polite by not using the “N-word”, mainly since white culture in the Delta pretty much ensured that if a white person married a black person, that white person’s family would be scandalized, shamed, and pretty much shunned by the rest of the white community there.
I hope it’s changed over the years (back in the 1990s), but I was last there in 2014 and saw little difference from twenty-odd years before.
What is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, etc. remark you have heard?
“Totter on back to the kitchen.”
A Quoran told me this.
People frequently assume I am a woman because of my name. I don’t care, so I rarely correct them. After disagreeing with another poster and backing him into an intellectual corner, he told me to “Totter on back to the kitchen.” I was both surprised and amused. I told my daughter that it was funny, and she said now I know how it feels. After Trump’s exposure as having minimal respect for women, I wonder if there’s a world out there I don’t know about.
Another time, a poster accused me of being a woman in a putdown. I told him I was a man. After a few minutes, in which I assume he checked Facebook, where all the Kelly La Rues are women, he came back to tell me he knew I was a woman.
Kelly La Rue, but not me. Besides some other significant differences, my eyes are blue.
What is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, etc. remark you have heard?
This isn’t “the most -fill in the blank- I’ve ever heard”, but it is the one I heard that is most ingrained in my memory.
In 3rd grade, I befriended another kid at school. When the child’s parents became aware, they forbade our innocent, little-kid friendship because of my family’s religion.
At just eight years old, I couldn’t understand their decision. We never talked about religion in the very short time we were friends! We goofed around during recess and played tag on the playground. It made no sense then, just as it makes no sense now.
That was my introduction to bigotry. I have been the focus of many a hater throughout my life. At times, they directed at me or said in my presence unbeknownst to said hater that I was the “evil” they spoke of. I have witnessed egregious behaviour against others. All of it is based upon ignorance and unfounded enmity. 40-odd years later, through a life fully lived, that much-too-young eye-opening event continues to pierce my heart. Not as forcefully as it did then, but it perseveres and leaves an empty little hole, ultimately to be filled by…suspicion, fear, violence. … or… education, dismissal of their hate, self-esteem, vigilance and love?
I’ve heard, witnessed, and experienced hatred many times than most would reckon. In all of its forms, it is a pitiful testament of humanity.
What is the most racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, etc. remark you have heard?
A member of my extended family is in finance and a staunch libertarian. Years back, I made some idealistic teenage comments about all people being equal. He told me that that was silly. Everyone has different talents, he explained. He, for example, is a white man of average height, and it would be ridiculous for him to expect to do well in the NBA, just like it would be silly to expect a tall black man to do his job well, so why should the NBA hire people like him and so on…
It was pretty clear that he was not suggesting that tall people are stupid, innumerable, or ineducable and that tall people should be rejected for jobs in banking based on height.
I was amazed. I did not understand what he was saying until a couple of years later because I didn’t realize that people still thought like that. (I don’t know; I expected racists to have enormous fangs and always wear KKK robes. As I said, idealistic teenager.)
17 What’s your favorite dark joke 2024?
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